Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and
get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
some.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had
to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he
would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second
one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were
berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly
thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the
ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went
to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing' just
great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those
watermelons!"
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The Highway Patrol
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer :You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man :No sir, I was going 65.
Wife :Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer :I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man :Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife :Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks.
[Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer :I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man :Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife :Oh,Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says :"No, only when he's drunk."
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The New Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO.
It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes
it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking
about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek,
shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man
replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money,
" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to
320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind
if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old
man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the
guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and
within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what
it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him,going much
faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man
asks himself Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!
It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man
on the moped! "Couldn't be, " thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Ferrari?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled
old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man
whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view
mirror..."
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