SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED
IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those
variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the
overnight job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on
from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the
seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will
ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually
possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks
of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the
system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup
files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that
the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact
duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users
and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now
everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his
back and let him program.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.
Abort, Retry, Fail?
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Three times
Three old men are at a clinic for a memory test. The doctor asks the first old
man, "What is three times there?" "274" was his prompt replay.
The doctor worriedly asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times
there?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly tells the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times there?"
"Nine", says the third man. "That's grate!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you
get that?" "Jeez, Doc. it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted
274 from Tuesday".
